Tiger Woods Jokes

Here are jokes about Tiger Woods. Enjoy them?

That's just one of many, many jokes making rounds in the aftermath of Tiger Woods' car crash and affair rumors. Some of the jokes are pretty good, others aren't pretty at all. Have you ever noticed how many golf jokes involve violence toward a spouse? There are plenty of those regarding Tiger and Elin, too:

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."

Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're you can beat Tiger with.

What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)
There are jokes about the affair rumors:

Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?

Tiger's other women aren't misstresses. They're provisionals.

Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

And jokes about Tiger's car crash started surfacing within minutes of the initial reports of the accident, including these:

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Tiger Woods' Rumoured Women

Less than two weeks after Tiger Woods' Thanksgiving weekend car crash outside his home, 10 women have been alleged to have had affairs with the married golf legend.

1.) Rachel Uchitel. The club hostess was the first of the women to be linked to Woods after the National Enquirer reported that she traveled to Australia to be with Woods during a golf tournament there. So far, she has denied the affair.

2.) Jamie Grubbs. The 24-year-old reality show contestant and cocktail waitress claims she carried on a 31-month-long affair with Woods until his crash last month. She offered a Woods voicemail to prove it.

3.) Kalika Moquin. The 27-year-old club manager from Las Vegas is reported to have had a brief sexual relationship with Woods. She would neither confirm nor deny the report.

4.) Cori Rist. The 31-year-old swimsuit model reportedly met Woods at a Manhattan club last year before they began a sexual relationship that led to Woods flying her out to various secret locations for hook-ups, and her introducing the golfer to her 7-year-old son.

 

5.) Jamie Jungers. The 26-year-old, who sold her story to a British newspaper, is a former employee of Trashy Girls Lingerie. She said she met Woods in Las Vegas.

 

 6.) Mindy Lawton. The 33-year-old pancake house waitress from Orlando claims she was dumped by Woods in 2007. According to the Post, it was her affair with Woods that was caught on camera by the National Enquirer, when he was snapped dropping her off at her trailer park. The threatening news later led to a Woods Men’s Fitness cover in exchange for the magazine’s silence about the alleged affair, the New York Post reports.

7.) Holly Sampson. The 36-year-old from Los Angeles is a former porn star, who has starred in such films as “OMG, Stop Tickling Me�? and “Flying Solo 2.�? According to the Sun, she has neither confirmed nor denied her affair with Woods.

8.) Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 8. A former cocktail waitress from Orlando, Fla. does want to reveal her identity yet, according to her attorney Michael O’Quinn. But this she has said: at the time the affair allegedly began, she was 20 years old and met Woods at the Roxy in Orlando, where she was a VIP server.

9.) Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 9 is reported to be a “sexy�? British TV presenter who was single at the time, but is now married.

10.) Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 10. is reported in a UK paper to be a “sex-addicted cougar.�? Woods, 33, has apologized to his family, fans and colleagues for his “transgressions.�?

 Below is Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegrene.

Formerly virtually unknown, swimsuit model/nanny Elin Nordegren's celebrity status went through the roof after news of her relationship with golfing superstar Tiger Woods was made public in 2002. The sexy Swede's hushed marriage to Woods made headlines in October 2004. Although Elin has kept the two children she has with Tiger relatively out of the spotlight and has kept a low profile herself, save for her appearances at golf tournaments, Elin Nordegren made headlines again in late November of 2009 after Tiger Woods had a suspicious car crash leaving the home the couple share in Florida. Isn’t she the most beautiful one among Tiger Woods’ women?

Tiger Woods will Suffer

 
After Tiger Woods confessed his infidelity in his private life and his marriage disturbance, does he can focus all his energy on his golf? It is impossible, according to Colin Montgomerie, European Ryder Cup captain.

 

Montgomerie, eight-time European number one, experienced divorce event in 2006 and could know the pressures for Tiger Woods will affect his performance.
Woods has taken an indefinite break from golf following a media storm that culminated in the world number one publicly admitting being unfaithful to his wife.

 

"It is absolutely impossible to play good golf (with all that going on)," said Montgomerie in an interview with Sky Sports.

 

 
"There was a reason why Tiger didn't win a major last year, the first year for a long time. We now understand possibly the reasons why.

 

"I can only speak for myself and say during a time like that you can just about make it to the next tee if you make a birdie or a par but with a bogey the world collapses around you," added the 46-year-old Briton.

 

Montgomerie said negative thoughts about his own private life were difficult to shrug off when he was going through turmoil.

 

"A round of golf is an emotional roller-coaster anyway," said the Scot. "I think it must have been similar for him.

 

"When you hit a shot and it goes left or right into the woods, immediately thoughts creep in during the long, two to three-minute walk to find the ball.

 

"It (the scandal) will impact on every tournament Tiger plays. Let's hope the tabloid press finish quickly and we get on supporting golf."

 

Montgomerie is one of the few top players to comment on the Woods situation since allegations about the 14-times major winner's private life surfaced after he was involved in a minor car accident outside his home in November.

 

"I think the mystique has gone," said the Ryder Cup skipper. "I think the mysterious nature of the guy has gone. He is suddenly, you hate to say, more normal now. Let's hope golf isn't damaged by that.

 

"There is no question there was an aura about Tiger Woods over this incredible record he has, not just in majors but in other world events.

 

"That wall has been split slightly and there are cracks. It gives us more opportunity to find ways of winning these events now and I am thinking of myself as well as my peers."

 

Montgomerie said golfers everywhere were appreciative of Woods's impact on the sport.

 

"I think it is like Arnold Palmer for the American tour in the past and Seve Ballesteros for us in Europe," he said. "We are playing for the money we are today because of those two players.

 

"With Tiger he became a global ambassador for golf, therefore the whole world of golf benefited from Tiger.

 

"We in Europe have benefited, as Asia has, as Australia has, as South Africa has, as America has. It is a great debt to him that we are playing and sponsorship is as strong as it is in golf right now."

 

Tiger Woods’ Tale --- Tiger Woods Airlines

 

 

 

 

Will Tiger Woods stay this rank?

It will not surprise you that Tiger Wood is No.1 in the Official World Golf Rankings, in recent weeks, there haven't been too many tournaments played, we wondering how long he can keep this. What may surprise you is how long he'll hold this rank.

In his column today, ESPN.com's Jason Sobel notes that "according to those who run the OWGR, if Tiger Woods continues his leave of absence into the summer, he likely won't lose his No. 1 status until June or July." There are six months from now and eight months from Tiger played a tournament last time.

 

Now, we all know that Tiger has put some distance between himself and the competition -- his ranking of 14.13 is nearly double second-place Phil Mickelson's 7.95, it is so high, and taking more than half a year off doesn't pull him down. Sobel thinks that's too much latitude to give a golfer, and I think that is right. It's stupid, like if one conference in college football didn't play a conference championship and so avoided the tough end-of-season test before skating into the bowls.

 

The World Ranking Points for each player are accumulated over a two year "rolling" period with the points awarded for each event maintained for a 13-week period to place additional emphasis on recent performances - ranking points are then reduced in equal decrements for the remaining 91 weeks of the two year Ranking period. Each player is then ranked according to his average points per tournament, which is determined by dividing his total number of points by the tournaments he has played over that two-year period. There is a minimum divisor of 40 tournaments over the two year ranking period and a maximum divisor of a player's last 60 events.

 

Mention of "divisor." That two-year provision seems to be the key point -- the idea is not to penalize a player too much for one brief bad patch. But as Sobel notes, by that standard you'd be including Tiger's two recent layoffs -- knee-induced and hydrant-induced -- and that by the middle of this season, assuming he didn't return, he'd have played only 19 events over the last two years. "Tiger Woods’ average points figure will drop each week he doesn't play and it will take until somewhere between the U.S. Open and Open Championship for his average to drop to where Phil Mickelson's currently is," the OWGR indicated. "If Mickelson plays well enough to maintain his current average and Woods doesn't play, then the No. 1 spot could change hands early July." And that's only if Phil continues to play well.

 

Some people say that Tiger is a wounded right now, that gave other golfers a big chance, and all the other golfers are gathering around, they want to bring him down. And when he was break, I'll bet he falls right on Rory Sabbatini.

 

Tiger Woods is Playing Now?!

Tiger Woods’ Tale --- Tiger Woods Airlines

Tiger Woods' Absence Is Making The Pga Tour Pay

Visit any country club in golf season and you’ll find caddies scrubbing, polishing, and cleaning the clubs that their golfers have abused. Now project that scene onto a far-grander scale and you’ll have some idea as to what’s going on in golf these days.

PGA officials and Tiger Woods’ advisers are toiling over the superstar’s badly scuffed image. They’re trying to figure out how to restore the innocent sheen to a personality who unfortunately adhered a little too closely to his chief sponsor’s slogan. He just did it. And did it. And did it.

In the months since Woods, his reputation tarnished by tabloid headlines, walked away, gold has developed a 19th hole. And millions of dollars from disillusioned sponsors and tournament patrons are being sucked down that hole every week.   

Woods is the face of golf, the most recognizable athlete on the planet. And until he gets the egg off that face, there’s zero chance that the game’s finances will ever get back to par.

According to the Wall Street Journal, three of the Tour’s 46 tournaments in 2010 and 13 in 2011 don’t have sponsors. TV ratings without Woods have taken a similar nose dive.

It’s an all together too unpleasant reminder of what the Tour was like before Tiger.

Watching golf in the early ‘90s was like seeing “Cats�? out of town.  There just weren’t many recognizable personalities and those there all tended to look alike, play alike, dress alike, and talk alike.

Jack Nicklaus was over the hill. Greg Norman couldn’t keep from choking himself. Nick Faldo was cantankerous. Corey Pavin had the appeal of Harry Reid. Freddie Couples was about as sexy as it got. As a result, you had to be a real golf devotee or a Johnny Miller fan to tune in on a non-major Sunday.

A decade-plus of Tiger-fueled growth was like steroids for the Tour. It developed muscles that allowed it to compete with the sporting world’s big boys. Today even Tiger’s supporting cast contains some interesting characters and recognizable faces: Phil Mickleson, Sergio Garcia, Rory McIlroy. The game is more international. You don’t have to belong to a country club to know about hybrids or club-head speed.

But even with Woods and the record purses his presence generated for the Tour, golf was slipping a bit.  According to the Journal, even with Tiger, TV ratings and participation were declining.

Less than 3.5 million watched the average final round in 2009, down from four million in 1999. And just over 10 percent of Americans six and over had played in 2008, down from 12. 1 percent in 1990.  

Tour sponsors don’t figure to be coming back any time soon. Not with the game’s overarching figure embarrassingly smeared. Not with Woods out of the camera’s range for who knows how long. Not with the economy in the tank.

Commissioner Tim Finchem has no choice but to stay the course and hope that some young stud–Northern Ireland’s McIlroy or Japan’s Ryo Ishikawa–can win a major and excite a new generation of viewers the way Tiger’s riveting emergence did in the mid-90s.

But neither McIlroy nor Ishikawa–nor anyone else on the horizon–has Tiger’s sex-appeal–an attribute that formerly was thought of as a positive. And then there was Tiger’s racial cross-over appeal. Ishikawa’s rise would certainly intrigue Asian-Americans, but many of them–unlike African-Americans in the ‘90s—already are committed golf enthusiasts.  

So what can a sport that finds itself, you should pardon the expression, in the woods do?

Nothing but count the days until Tiger returns with a set of clean clubs and a well-scrubbed image.

Owner Sports Buzz and Collegiate Living

Why I’M Not Accepting Tiger Woods’ Apology

We all knew it would happen eventually - Tiger Woods has joined the pantheon of celebrities who have made a very public mea culpa for a very private affair.  On February 19, Woods gave a televised speech from the PGA Tour headquarters in Florida in which he apologized for the affairs he admittedly had with several women.  As I watched this public bloodletting it reminded me of the other notables who came before the public spotlight and admitted to and apologized for similar indiscretions.  You know the names – Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, et al.  (At least Woods is to be given some credit for not dragging his wife Elin before the camera as the aforementioned did when it was their time for their public shaming.)

Tiger, looking very tired and deflated, stood before the cameras and apologized to – well everyone he could think of who may or may not have been impacted by these affairs.  So why did he apologize?  Did he do it as a method of self-flagellation?  Maybe.  Was it a carefully timed public relations move done to help revive his career?  Sure it must have been that too.  At first, I debated writing about this subject since in my post of Dec 12, 2009 I already stated that I believed the coverage of this story to be excessive.  Then I thought perhaps the point I made then needs to be re-stated.  Here goes nothing.

As I watched him apologize to his wife, Elin, his parents, his fans, his business partners…and anyone else within earshot, I began to wonder to myself who does he really owe his apologies to.  First let’s break it down:  Does Woods owe an apology to the game of golf itself?  I don’t think so.  I mean how many people who had ties to the PGA tolerated the rampant discrimination present in the game for years and not only did not disassociate themselves from it but did not offer an apology for it?  Also, where were Ty Cobb’s apologies to the game of baseball for his much more reprehensible behavior?

Did Woods owe an apology to the public?   I don’t think so.  Shouldn’t our amusement and entertainment excuse him from having to apologize to us?  Not only does he not owe an apology to the public but those of us who have let this story fuel our tabloids should actually be thanking Tiger for providing us with this current chapter in this man and his family’s excruciating drama.  His story has provided us with countless hours of media coverage, the tantalizing possibility of sex tapes and some more quasi-celebrities such as Tiger’s alleged former mistresses Holly Sampson and Joslyn James.  His affair has also given more work to publicity whore attorney Gloria Allred who represents James.  (Bringing Allred out of her crypt is one thing I may not be able to forgive Tiger for.)

Does Tiger Woods owe an apology to his fans and particularly the kids he works with?  Well I suspect that his fans should know that he is a human being and subject to the same vices that they are.  I also suspect that the parents of the children he apologized to should probably have told their children that Mr. Woods is a human being too.  
Does Woods owe his wife an apology?  Of course he does.  He began his news conference apologizing to her but as Woods stated this act of penance should be between him and his wife.

So where’s my apology in all this?  I mean Joslyn James is demanding one and she voluntarily entered into a relationship with a married man.  I’ve been subject to this media circus just as everyone else in the world has been with even the Dali Lama weighing in on the matter.  I guess my apology was somewhere in the many apologies Tiger did give.  Yet, I don’t accept Woods’ apology because he doesn’t owe me one.  I guess I don’t want one because I never expected him to be more than human.  I guess I don’t want one and therefore wouldn’t accept one because I admire the man’s athleticism and never gave a second thought as to whether or not he would be faithful in his marriage.  I don’t and didn’t feel it was my place and of course it’s not.  I guess I’m waiting for the paparazzi to apologize to Woods for stalking his child.  I’m waiting for James’s to apologize for using Wood’s predicament as a way of expanding her quasi-celebritydom.  I guess I’m waiting for Allred to apologize for being the quintessential sleaze-bag attorney.  I guess I’m waiting first for those of us who slam his infidelity but at the same time are entertained by it.  I guess I’ll have a long wait.

Three Tips From Tiger Woods

Most Americans knew that Tiger Woods made his public apology from the clubhouse at the TPC Sawgrass, home of the PGA tour. His mother and people he had worked with were in the room. His wife Elin was not present.

While some may not agree with me, I felt there was sincerity in Tiger's apology. I don't think that it is easy for him to show his feelings, judging from past history.

Here are three tips that the Tiger Woods' apology can serve as an example to us:

1. Do not make excuses for your actions.
An apology, followed by an excuse cancels out the apology. The person who is hurt does not deserve an excuse. Even if there really was something that caused the person to do what they did, (such as stress, pressure, etc), it is not the appropriate time to bring it up.

Tiger did the right thing. He did not make excuses, such as being a "sexual addict" or having to be too focused during childhood (on golf). Even though these two reasons could have been the two things that made Tiger do the things that he did, he did not bring them up. That took a real man to just be responsible for everything and not make excuses.

2. Admission of guilt.
One cannot truly be sorry for anything unless he first admits guilt. Tiger Woods certainly did that. He took full responsibility for his actions.

3. Action speaks louder than words if one is sorry.
In his personal relationship with his wife, Tiger said his "real apology to her" would come by his actions, not his words.

This was the best part of this apology. Tiger admits he has a lot of work to do and that his apology (per Elin) will not be complete until his behavior has turned around.

So many things about writing that I have learned elude me. However, I always remember this statement, "show me, don't tell me." (Don't tell me the hero of a story is charming, wonderful, etc., but show me by the way he acts in the story.). This "don't tell me, show me" can definitely be aplied to an apology.

I think Tiger Woods apology was sincere and one we will remember. It was not stiff.

The Free Dictionary gives two meanings for an apology:

(1) To make an apology; acknowledge, and express regret for, a fault, wrong, etc. and

(2) to make a formal defense in speech or writing


It is never too late to right the hurt you have caused other people. I think we can all learn from Tiger, because he did make a complete and sincere apology.

Tiger Woods and Seven deadly sins

Why men cheat

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